Wednesday, June 14, 2006

Ask Martha

There’s three mice
under my finch feeders
scurrying around,
chewing and chomping,
what the birds
have knocked off.
I hate the skin-tail rascals!
I shoot at them with my hand-pumped
Crosman 2100 Pro Classic.
Theory: One BB, one mouse.
Actuality: Ten BB’s, no mice.
There are plenty of Red Tail Hawks
to swoop down, and
obliterate the worrisome lot, but
they sit on their dead-limb perches
seemingly oblivious to free lunch.
Home Depot carries the WMD’s I need,
pellets in packets,
pellets you sprinkle loose.
I could get a gross of traps,
load them up with cheese, and
set out tiny tea cups
with a nice herbaceous red wine.
Should the table be set with linen napkins,
or yesterday’s shredded news?

13 comments:

Poetry by Kai said...

who 's Martha?

good poem

Aurora said...

Martha might be his chiropractor, Kai, but I'm not totally sure. Or - it could be Martha Stewart, although I hadn't heard she'd become a chiropractor, so who knows? :)

Good poem, Cruel-Hearted Pat. Just stay away from all the animals in my neighbourhood, you hear?

Don Iannone said...

Sounds like our backyard. Brought a laugh. Martha? Stewart I presume, or Washington, or the lady who founded the Vineyard named after her...

Poetry by Kai said...

hehe good one aa....

floots said...

sounds like life here
liked this a lot
"shredded news" is a great phrase/image
my brief visits to the US left me with a love of red-tails
we have similar hawks here but somehow the US variety have a special place for me
cheers

mikaelah said...

so many images! Martha would probably choose washable cloth napkins (as this will an occasion the needs to happen frequently) and create an upscale backyard barbecue for them...although I do not see Marthe skewering them...she would probably hire that out.

It also brought up the image of the ground squirrel that we had a few years ago... burrowed so that his little hole emerged right under the feeders. He ate his meals from the comfort of his own front porch. He was too cute to harm.

Queen Neetee said...

It all goes round and round pat.
You're eaten up with anger and the mice are mad about eating. There's passion in both.
I wonder what's at Home Depot for them to use against you to protect their stay at the banquet?
Maybe you should Ask Martha.
:)

Wonderful poem!

polona said...

if taken literally, this poem provides another reason for not wanting to be your neighbour... :)

great poem, pat!

Borut said...

I like the hunter's spirit in you, Pat.
But, you're like my nephew,hunter for about three years, a born marksman, who tried to shoot three wild boars with one shot(the young ones, that is), but somehow managed to miss each separately and, of course, all of them together.

J. Andrew Lockhart said...

We used to live in an apartment that had a problem with mice and one time we were stupid enough to get one of those mice traps that doesn't have poison in it, just a sticky thing that holds them. I couldn't stand coming home and hearing that thing scratching along the tile floor!
I have nothing against shooting an animal, but finding a way to kill them in your house --- no thanks!
Thanks for the memories -- :)

Pat Paulk said...

Hi Kai!! It's Martha Stewart. Thank you!!

Thank you!! CHP

Don, I believe in laughing, just about more than anything...just about. Thank you!!

Kai, don't take up for her. Just makes her meaner!!

Floots, I love hawks. I've been known to pull off the road, or even turn around to go watch one perched on a fence or in the top of a tree.

Mikaelah, I'm sure she would. You do bring up another option I hadn't thought about...BBQing the liitle pests!!!!

QNT, I agree. They could go get anything that would require me to work, that would do it!! NO TOOLS!!!!

Ahhh Polona, but I'm very entertaining.

Actually Borut I'm not. I prefer to watch nature. Though I do love a good venison steak, roasted wild pig, duck, quail...but you're right about my shooting skills. I'd starve to death if I needed them.

Andrew, glad I could take you down memory lane. They make plug-ins that emit a high pitched noise that drives them out. They actually work.

Masago said...

Good for you Pat! I know what its like to be in battle with them little buggers. Right now we have a squirrel in the roof...grrrr!

Nea said...

Who is Martha.......must be from out of town girl.......martha is the female guru of etiquette and table decorations, haha and so much more, although I have often wondered why she was fighting with her neighbor......

Oh, I killed a mouse once in a trap, I heard it snap........I do not have a killers nature, for I found that I felt so bad......he was tiny and cute, and very dead, and I felt much like a murderer. I haven't killed any since. But I know how effective a BB gun would be, haha.........I shoot at the cat's and they laugh back at me.......it reminds me of a stream of water......it goes up, out and drops, the only way it would hurt them is if it fell on their head on the way down. But then I am not trying to hit them, just keep them from terrorizing my poor neutered male kitty.